“You are too emotional.”
When I hear someone utter this phrase, I get the vision of someone
pouring gasoline on a five-alarm fire: telling someone that they’re
too emotional when they’re already upset is only going to make
Not only that, if your partner says this to you, they are invalidating
your concerns and making them all about feelings. They are saying
to you that they won’t listen when you feel passionately about
something and will dismiss it if they don’t like the way you’re
“I will stop [drinking, gambling, spending, etc.] for you.”
If your partner has a vice or a toxic habit, they shouldn’t promise
you that they’ll quit it “for you.”
For one, any end of a bad habit should be for life. Not all
relationships last and life choices shouldn’t be hanging in the
balance based on a relationship status.
“While the fear of losing someone may prompt this promise, it will
never work,” Ward said. “You can only stop these behaviours for
yourself and not for someone else.”
And if they fall off the wagon, then their failure becomes a
breaking of your trust and can be seen as them not “caring
enough” about you to stop doing it.
“It’s either me or the …”
Ultimatums are extreme and should really only be used in extreme
circumstances. If you’re at risk of hurting yourself or someone else
with your behaviour, then your partner might be justified in
employing this tactic.
But if they’re throwing down the gauntlet saying that you need to
choose them over your dog/alone time/family all of the time, then
that’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship and that they want to
“You have to do …”
We’ve all been guilty of asking our partners to do silly or annoying
things for us. But your partner should not be issuing demands of
you all of the time.
If they really need something done, it should come in the form of a
question with demands reserved for emergencies only.
“I want to be clear on this: Adults do not tell other adults what to
do,” counsellor Hayden Lindsey told INSIDER. “Unless you are in an
explicitly hierarchical relationship (boss/employee) then you have
no business telling a grown man or woman how to behave.
“If one partner is trying to control the other, it is not an
environment where love and health can flourish,” Lindsey added.
“I hate you.”
We all say things we don’t mean when we’re angry. But if your
partner calls their affection for you into question all of the time or
tells you that they actually hate you, that can be a huge red flag.
“It’s easy to lash out in the heat of the moment and say hurtful
things you regret,”Jonathan Bennett, a counsellor and author of the
site The Popular Man, told INSIDER. “However, expressing hatred
towards your significant other is not something he or she will ever
forget and it can poison the relationship.”
“We’re over.” (If they don’t mean it)
The only time you should hear the words “it’s over” should be when
the relationship is really and truly over.
If your partner is invoking a “break-up” or threatening to end it with
you over a simple argument, they’re willing to make you feel unsafe
in the relationship. They are showing you that they don’t care if
they hurt you or risk you saying, “Okay yeah, we are over,” as long
as they get the upper hand.
“While breakups do happen, if you have no intent to leave, you
should never threaten your partner with a break up to get your
way,” Bennett said. “Fear of losing someone you love is very
powerful and threats like that can create anxiety and depression,
especially if your partner has abandonment issues or other mental
“You are too emotional.”